Conflict, Competition, and Crowns
Winning, Losing and Unanswered Prayers
“If you could be granted one wish, besides money, love, or more wishes, what would it be?”
I remember the first time I was asked this elusive interview question. And I remember being surprised at the speed and confidence of my response: “to win anything in which I decided to compete.” My answer spoke volumes about what was consuming my thoughts during this particular time in my life. I was not longing for a winning lottery ticket or bingo card. I was feeling the sting of defeat.
“I don't know. Only God knows where the story ends for me, but I know where the story begins. It's up to us to choose, whether we win or lose and I choose to win.”
~Mary J. Blige
Mary J. and I go way back- her sweet voice sang me through the 90’s- but this quote didn’t resonate with me. I knew what she meant. I, too, “chose” to win. But I didn’t, despite my best efforts, hard work, and sacrifice.
I was still a baby in my Christian walk when I realized I had taken on the role of professional first runner-up. I began competing in preliminary competitions in the Miss America Organization at 17 years old when I was faced with the hard reality that a college education was not a financial possibility. My high school drama teacher knew this about me and started me on a path through which I could earn scholarships on my own. In no time flat, I was well on my way and, although it took me five years to finish, I graduated with my bachelor’s degree completely debt-free. That could have been the end of that chapter for me because my reason for competing in the first place- earning college scholarship- had been satisfied. But I’m stubborn and I continued to compete as long as I could because my eyes were locked on that elusive state title. The game was still the same, but my reasons for playing had changed.
It feels silly revisiting these thoughts from 30 years ago, but now I look back with nothing but gratitude. It may have hurt at the time, but I know that the fierce competition, the opposition, even the enemies along the way served only as a means to push me forward, farther than I could ever push myself. Have you ever been chased by a slobbering, rabid black Labrador? I have, and I cleared a fence taller than my 5’8 1/2” frame could possibly leap trying to get away from it. I did things I never thought possible while chasing something great… or running from it. Such is the nature of competition, and -sometimes- the corresponding unanswered prayers.
So… I couldn’t pray away the fierce competition that interfered with my goals and dreams. Champagne problems. In the bible, the apostle Paul lamented over a “thorn in his flesh” that caused him great pain and limitations, despite his many prayers. I have always speculated about what (or whom) this thorn might have been and what kind of pain it (or they) inflicted; but time and spiritual maturity eventually led us both to the same place: total gratitude and humility. I am grateful that God chose an awesome platform through which to bless me with a college education, amazing experience, and incredible personal growth. I am also gratefully humble that He closed the door when He did. I am grateful for the thorns, missed opportunities and unanswered prayers because they set me on a different path, one that was meant for me all along. A path that is inexplicably, unimaginably greater than anything I could have dreamed up on my own.
I have learned that crowns in this life are only useful when they are cast at His feet, so now I chase a different kind of crown; an eternal one that will never tarnish and can never be snatched out from under me. I no longer want earthly crowns; I do not even want credit.
To Him be the glory.
**To the incredible group of young women God places in my temporary jurisdiction each and every summer. You all wear a crown- both visible and invisible. I learn more from you than you do from me, and I am so blessed to know you.
“As Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” ~ Proverbs 27:17
“Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.” ~2 Corinthians 12:7
“You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the Lord, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.” ~ Isaiah 62:3
“To Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” ~Ephesians 3:21
